So… As mentioned in the previous post i’ve moved. It has been postponed because of family visit my new roommate had, but finally we’ve signed agreement and i moved in on 16th.
And, of course, nervous period began. “Boyfriend” called me, asking where am I. I didn’t tell him much. Just that i’m not going to come back.
On the next day i went out of work earlier to prepare for living in a new place. Shopping, had set of keys done, finally i’ve sat with the new guy, talking and drinking wine. 2 bottles. I was almost dying on the next day. Woke up at 12:30 (so REALLY late), immadietly requested my boss that i needed 4 hours off this morning, and started working. Even after finishing the work i felt so drunk and weak, that i couldn’t walk…
Next day was my call to therapist, and later to him. I told him i don’t love him and don’t want to live together. After 3 nights spent in the new flat, i agreed to come and talk with the old flat (in the new place, roommate went out for 3 days).
I felt terrible, because he seemed to be thinking ‘everything is OK’. So on saturday i told him that i’ve signed lease agreement and fell in love with somebody else. This started all-day conversation (and crying). About our mutual injuries.
Last time, when he tried to kill himself after i told him i’m leaving, he was taking pills. I called the ambulance and they saved him. But since then he’s afraid of night, and cars approaching the flat. So it’s not only me feeling pain. I gave him fucking ‘gold shot’.
He felt really down recently. Went to a doctor to search for a help. It turned out that his depression is so deep, he is dangerous for himself and should go to the hospital. He’s planning to do this before the month end, but asked me to stay with him until then.
And told me, that we’ll see what can we do after this month, won’t let me go away and ruin our world, these small bright parts it had. That he can’t move out and will not be able to pay all the bills, food etc. I don’t want to pay his bills any longer…
On one hand side i should not care about his problems any more. But on the other hand some of these problems appeared because of me, and i feel guilty.
I don’t know how to solve this puzzle…