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So. He came back, i’ve been sleeping in our old flat for a week. We were watching the movies, eating, talking about ‘nice things’. But finally we’ve had serious conversations. They were hard, but showed that we can talk normally, nothing bad is happening and we both feel more relieved after speaking the things and feelings out. Yesterday we wrote list of behaviours/things that made our life shitty. Later we’ve burned them, and went to the forest to drop the ashes there. He told he needed to do such thing as ‘task from the therapy’.

Yesterday (and today) sleeping in the new flat. We agreed that despite of his fear it’s OK.

Seems like a sign of a change…

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Ex is coming back tomorrow. I didn’t tell him that since the beginning of his therapy i’m living in the new flat. He wants to meet me and spend some nice time in the city.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He was meant to spend 3 weeks there. My plan was to tell him this week.

I don’t know what or how to do something without hurting everyone.

I’m a shitty mess inside…

 

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Had a nude photoshoot yesterday. And week ago.

Did some self-shoots week ago, when i stayed for a night in the studio.

Today i shot few photos. One of them shows how i feel – in a desperate need to hug someone.

Aside of that, i’m quite OK. Reading books, doing things and visiting places i like…

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My ex went to a therapy. I’ve used his absence to take rest of my stuff from the flat we were sharing. I’m the new place. Seems to be OK, but i’m starting to see some flaws.

Photographer i’m interested in (mentioned few posts ago), is applzing for a job in the USA. It made me sad. Seems to end everything, before it even began…

I’ve seen “The Danish girl”. Made me cry for few days. We’re all so unhappy and loney.

Boss told me that i’ll probably take over some additional responsibilities related to the new project. This change will make me responsible of the tool i don’t fully understand, that will be used in few countries to prepare data for the project team.

I’m going to have next artistic nude photoshoot on sunday. After that i’ll go to my family home, and meet a friend in the evening.

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I hoped that he would leave on 7th, but no. I’ll have 2 more days in his company.

I can’t do anything i want, because he ‘desperately needs me’ (or rather anyone, but only i’m near and enough naive to help him again). I know it’s only 1 week more thanĀ  initially planned, but it has been so long time in this pointless relationship… I don’t want towaste more time.

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At work busy as hell. Especially with all the business changes happening right now- accountancy is moved from Krakow to Hungary and Philippines. And we have quite nervous atmosphere, pointless discussions, unpaid invoices because of this.

I want to have a break. But for 2 more weeks 2 girls from my department are on holidays, when they came back we’ll have to prepare month end close etc.

But i’m thinking of 2 weeks off in the middle of september.

Damn, i’m so tired…

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He took referral to psychiatric ward today. For 3 weeks, after 7th of August. And not in Krakow but in a city next to the german border. So around 5 hours travel by bus or train.

But currently he acts a lot like before the ‘moment of truth’. Which worries me a bit…

I don’t want to stay together any longer…

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So… As mentioned in the previous post i’ve moved. It has been postponed because of family visit my new roommate had, but finally we’ve signed agreement and i moved in on 16th.

And, of course, nervous period began. “Boyfriend” called me, asking where am I. I didn’t tell him much. Just that i’m not going to come back.

On the next day i went out of work earlier to prepare for living in a new place. Shopping, had set of keys done, finally i’ve sat with the new guy, talking and drinking wine. 2 bottles. I was almost dying on the next day. Woke up at 12:30 (so REALLY late), immadietly requested my boss that i needed 4 hours off this morning, and started working. Even after finishing the work i felt so drunk and weak, that i couldn’t walk…

Next day was my call to therapist, and later to him. I told him i don’t love him and don’t want to live together. After 3 nights spent in the new flat, i agreed to come and talk with the old flat (in the new place, roommate went out for 3 days).

I felt terrible, because he seemed to be thinking ‘everything is OK’. So on saturday i told him that i’ve signed lease agreement and fell in love with somebody else. This started all-day conversation (and crying). About our mutual injuries.

Last time, when he tried to kill himself after i told him i’m leaving, he was taking pills. I called the ambulance and they saved him. But since then he’s afraid of night, and cars approaching the flat. So it’s not only me feeling pain. I gave him fucking ‘gold shot’.

He felt really down recently. Went to a doctor to search for a help. It turned out that his depression is so deep, he is dangerous for himself and should go to the hospital. He’s planning to do this before the month end, but asked me to stay with him until then.

And told me, that we’ll see what can we do after this month, won’t let me go away and ruin our world, these small bright parts it had. That he can’t move out and will not be able to pay all the bills, food etc. I don’t want to pay his bills any longer…

On one hand side i should not care about his problems any more. But on the other hand some of these problems appeared because of me, and i feel guilty.

I don’t know how to solve this puzzle…

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